She sat in and with the darkness. There was no glimmer of light to be seen. The abyss had taken her in and become one with her, filling each nuance of her being until there was no room left for even hope. She had haphazardly packed her bags, and she had the ticket for the flight, day after tomorrow. Her dad had invited her to come home, to let the island and the sun heal her. She had been so moved by the request, that hadn’t thought what going home like ‘this’ would entail.
Life had become a series of nightmares that she could not wake up from. She just wanted to lie down and watch a movie, to wrap herself up in her duvet and block the world out, so she did just that. Abandoning her packing, she cocooned herself in that little dark attic room and hid. All that night, the darkness pleaded for her to surrender, to give up and join permanently, what had taken over her mind to the extent that all vestiges of happiness were gone from her being.
Tossing and turning all through that night, a plan began to materialize in the dark recesses of her traitorous mind. The next morning, she loaded her backpack up with supplies; a clean, comfy tee-shirt, 2 bottles of pills, cell phone and money, she made a reservation for four days at a nearby hotel. After calling a cab, she walked through the living room, only stopping to reply to questions as to where she was going.
After getting in the cab, she looked up at her daughter’s window and felt an all too familiar massive twinge of guilt, shame and self-revulsion. More determined than ever she had the cab driver stop at the liquor store, then drop her off at the hotel. She checked in… very conscious of her lack of luggage, and finally…. finally, she was alone. After changing into her comfie tee-shirt, putting on a movie and getting into the big comfortable bed, she set both pill bottles down on the nightstand and opened the bottle of Rumchata. She had it planned out to a T. She took a few benzodiazepines, so she couldn’t doubt her actions, to kill the fear and swigged it, a little bit later she took a handful of the benzos and had the beta blockers waiting to go next. She laid down.
LOUD banging… she didn’t remember getting up, everything was so hazy. The door swung open, and the last thing she remembered was uniforms.