Life can get in the way. I’m sure you know exactly what I mean. I didn’t sleep last night, went to bed around 6:30 this morning, woke up at 7:30 and tried to stay up. Took me a couple of hours to talk myself into my workout, and although my body is feeling the lack of sleep (fibromyalgia), I did it anyway, but before that, I read everything that moved my spirit on the internet for a few hours. ‘Awakening Woman’, ‘We are rising’, ‘Be proactive’, ‘Join our Tribe’ and ‘Love Yourself Now’ were just some of the headlines greeting me in my email. I read a few articles, got sidetracked a few times, then got frustrated with myself.
My self-talk today was full of shoulds. The voice wasn’t loud, belligerent or aggressive, au contraire, it was soft, stealthy, smooth and sneakily invasive. As I was talking to my daughter and granddaughter today, it whispered, ‘she’s not going to know you when you’re done with this process’. ‘She’s going to be closer to her other grandmother.’ gasp that one hurt. As I said hello to my grandsons on video, one playing a video game, one doing something else, both responded with half a hand and half their attention. The voice whispered, “they don’t see you” …. “already it’s starting, they are forgetting you”. It wasn’t even loud about it, such soft little deadly suggestions.
I thought about how tired I’ve been lately, the voice whispered, “you should be working out harder” WTF?? I’ve been in pain, “you’re not going to be able to pull this off” FUCK THAT. I got up, and forced myself to work out, while watching Shameless to distract myself from how much I didn’t feel like exercising. Just wanted to sleep. I realized that my thoughts and feelings were fear based so I stopped and chose love. Then decided after my shower I would meditate and reset.
Didn’t get to meditate before I went downstairs for dinner with my Dad because as usual, I didn’t choose to put myself first. I chose to hurry up as always, in fear I may offend someone or cause a problem. Realized half way through dinner that I was being a little unintentionally snarky. I brought it to his attention and told him, had I meditated first that would have never come out of my mouth. I had my laptop on the dinner table (how rude huh?) since my grandson has been emailing me all day and I didn’t want to miss one. I flipped it open, and refreshed my Gmail…
It read, simply;
YOU! (smiley face x 20)
I stopped, with goosebumps climbing up my arms, and a palpable squeezing of my heart, a HUGE kool-aid guy smile on my face. I had asked him what makes him happy.
Love is the answer, self-love, tribal love, love reflected in the stars, celestial, just LOVE. In that moment, all my pins and tumblers slid into place. Every day may not be an orgasmic experience but if I (we) make a habit of choosing to learn from love, the joy seems bigger. When we demolished those walls we erected to protect us from all the pain that rains over us on a daily basis, the love can now get through. When we numb, we don’t only numb from the bad, we numb the good, and the good is oh so priceless, and so, after closing my laptop, (dad’s instructions), and watching 2 episodes of Preacher with him, I headed upstairs to my apartment to meditate.
I’ve included everything you need to try this out for yourself. I ADORE this meditation, did it first in Austin 2ish years ago. I broke down and cried out all the ‘stuff’, it was amazing. Try it out, you may not like it, but maybe you WILL and that my tribe is one more tool in your toolbox to utilize if you have days that try the soul.
I just had to remember that I could choose and I did (huge smile) I guess that makes the day a success!
What I used to reset:
Meditation and Mudras <—– How to
Song for the Mudras<——— Step One
Hands folded in prayer position with this song playing <——Step Three