Tiny Steps of Courage

Dad and I have designated Sunday as Dad/Daughter go out to a lovely dinner together evening.  We’ve only had one so far, and I was looking forward to today.  M-S I work out, do homework, help if he needs it.  M-S I’m an overachiever, well I WILL be, asa I make of this a habit.  I’m my dads son on the weekdays, I don’t wear makeup, what for?? I’m working out, reading and writing, and even tho this part of Puerto Rico does have a winter, it’s only cool at night, so my hair stays up.  I’ve been so grateful that this apt doesn’t have any mirrors. I see my reflection only in video calls with my kids and grandpeps, but they love me, so what.

  • tiny-step-of-courage-primary

Wait, did I just say that.  They love me, so what, well don’t I love me.. wow.. revealing.  Deal with that another time, so anyway I got ready, looking cute.  Was ready for a deep convo, over a magnificent dinner.  The pager sounded, I picked up the phone to my dad telling me his stomach is sick, raincheck.  I was like, damn now, after my makeup is done?? I asked if there was anything I could do, or bring him and I headed out to town to get dinner.   The thunderstorm had passed but left its mark on the quiet town of Aibonito.  Slick streets with barely any traffic greeted me as I wound around the tight mountain roads towards the middle of town.

I passed the place we normally eat since my dad got take out there last night and well, feels like shit, so I kept going and saw this pizza joint my mom and I had gone too when she was here.  I don’t frequent it, kinda pricey but … at least I won’t get ptomaine.  As I drove past, I saw about 15 bikers and a group of men in front of the entrance.  My stomach per usual, clenched and I thought about heading to the food poisoning place to avoid the discomfort.  NO I thought, fuck that, face the fear.  DO NO FEED THE FEARS!!!!!  I parked, and crossed the uphill street and around a few cars, walking into the restaurant.  I was holding my courage in my heart and hand like a amulet, I knew universe was with me as I walked past a shitload of people and grabbed a menu from the counter. Thinking all the while, how the fuck am I going to do this. I DO NOT READ SPANISH bwahh haaa haaaa

I studied the menu emitting confidence (I hope), looked up at the counter to see the young man that served my mom and I.  HE SPEAKS ENGLISH.  Seeing me, the light of recognition crossed his eyes and I smiled HUGELY.  As I waited for my food, I prayed to Universe, ‘help me see everything through the eyes of love’.  Since I have no phone (broke about 2 weeks after I got here, have not felt overly compelled to get a new one) I defaulted into observation mode.  Saw families interacting, had an opportunity to smile at people since I wasn’t hiding in my mobile device. Wow, remember when we smiled at people???  Various people smiled back and murmured toward me.  Had no idea what they were saying, but I knew in what spirit they were saying it.

There’s a reason I have those fears, my ego is protecting me.  Thank you ego, you are no longer needed, Universe and I GOT THIS SHIT.  We get to choose, free will and all that… had no idea it entailed this much.

Anyway, I’m going to go eat my hard-earned dinner.  I like to write on a empty stomach (who’da thunked it), I can feel Universe better.


Published by: Shanti Shaharazade

Told to write it all down, I do, finally. It took me from 1991 to now, to surrender to Universe/God/dess (insert name of choice) and to embrace this path with my soul wide open. I love sharing all of my journey with young people to demonstrate that it is possible to choose the light constantly even when face to face with your own darkness. I've used a variety of tools to shed ego's protective barriers like onion layers. I am determined to share the journey, tools and encouragement, being the change I want in the world. If something resonates, touches you, please share, it could do the same for another. Also feel free to share your thoughts, opinions or to voice your disagreement, all points of view are welcome and appreciated, at worst we can agree to disagree. Thank you for stopping by!!! Sat Nam


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