I just read something that stirred up the demons inside. Jealousy, envy, resentment, bewilderment … very human… but, for me very unsavory emotions. Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to have childhood friends, no birthday parties, sleepovers, after-school get togethers, nada. Didn’t make the long dark haired, tan skinned Puerto Rican and Indian girl very popular in the mostly Eastern European Ridgewood neighborhood between Brooklyn and Queens. Life was very difficult, being chased home at least 3x a week by a group of white girls, called a nigger and a spic. I didn’t adjust socially until I ran away from home at age 11.
From 11-18 years of age, to be accepted, respected, liked, and eventually feared it HAD to be us vs. them. The rainbow coalition vs. the white girls. If they looked like they had money, we’d sneer and hate on them. The money was ill gotten, we were sure. Daddy’s money. Spoiled bitches, we thought. I went along, had gone to private school myself, but didn’t advertise. I secretly adored pink, but that was for ’them’, Latinas wore red (I HATED red) Although I was voluptuous but trim, the ‘unwarranted’ hatred extended to skinny white girls, then the white girls with tan or black boyfriends. it was all hatred, all gossip and malevolence 24*7. I started to believe my tough bitch facade, and became a mean antagonistic young woman, hanging out and running with gang members, trying to fit, belong, have a family…any family. I knew that wasn’t me. The 5-year-old who had asked, on her knees, if Jesus needed her help was inside, suffocating.
I had learned to scorn what I didn’t agree or resonate with. It was only in my early late 20’s, I began to realize I had a choice, I did not have to be what the world taught me to be. I could return to innocence.
Why am I sharing this?? In case there is ONE person out there who needs to know that it IS possible to change. It is possible to remove the layers of crap and start fresh and new, making choices from a place of love not fear, able to love any and every one. Because today I read something that stirred me, so I wanted to own my side of the street. Bringing it all out into the light this way any residual darkness has no foothold. I love all siSTARs… blue, black, green, brown, white, yellow, it truly and honestly makes no difference to me.
Yes, if I can do it, you can do it. You can choose to rise above any training, brainwashing or street lessons. I did and my world is the better for it.