meant to be here – sadness

she didn’t get out of bed for three days.  they said she looked amazing compared to the way she came in.  there was no memory of any of it for her, the last thing she recalled was stumbling to the hotel door and seeing uniforms. 

there had been no phone calls, no visits, no contact with any of her family and it hurt, solidified every reason she had for wanting to go ‘home’.  she didn’t want to cause anyone else pain, but neither did she want to feel any herself. 

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she hadn’t left her room in almost two weeks.  just lying there, wishing she was anyplace but on this blue rock, feeling like a prisoner against her will. she walked slowly, trepidatiously into the hallway, looking around the nurse’s desk, she had no idea what to do next, there were people looking as empty as she felt, a staff member looked at her kindly and asked her if she wanted fresh air.it definitely did not appeal to her but she went anyway, wanting relief from the constant barrage of despair, willing to try anything. 

sitting on the bench in the courtyard, blinking, trying to adjust to the sun, she felt lost here too.  was there anywhere she belonged? the breeze felt foreign on her skin as she looked around at the different people trapped in their own versions of hell.  she tried to smile softly at anyone who made eye contact.  even in the depth of despair, she didn’t want anyone to feel less than, because of her. 

ready-to-quit

it seemed like the fifteen minutes stretched into an eternity, as she waited for staff to call them in.  she got up, walking by herself, away from the group, until they went back and inside and once again she went to her little bed that was nailed to the floor, and hid from the world. 

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