stayed up till this morning, not that I had to combat sleepiness or anything. there was no signs of yawning, or wanting to go to bed. decided to just go with the flow. broke night and got all my xmas and pressie packages ready for shipping. tried to go to sleep a few times to no avail, returning to my laptop in the living room i did a bit of homework, lotsa contemplations, and by 2 this afternoon was ready to hit the store (my eldest needed something from pr) and the post office. on my way, my dad asked me if i could make a deposit for him at the bank, i’m not ever likely to tell the only parent i have that believes in me that umm i can’t do something for him ever unless it interrupts the nudges from universe. got all the boxes and packages down the stairs into the car, stopped at the front of the house where my dad refused to budge offa the porch to hand me the deposit slip, he didn’t want to get his slippers dirty. normally I find his idiosyncrasies quite amusing and most definitely endearing.
he put the deposit slip under a plant on the balustrade and said with a voice if you don’t want to do it, don’t do it, i’ll get to it later. anyone else have a passive aggressive parent? eyeroll.
drove out with an attitude, listening to music blaring, trying to figure out if I had the time to do it all and still make the post office. for some reason i didn’t want to spend another minute with all of this ‘stuff’ here, i wanted it gone. what that was about? still have not figured that out. i normally am patient, calm, loving, and all smiles.
i was again aggressive and intolerant. do you know machismo men in pr kind of expect that everyone will move out of the street for them. <blink blink>
i didn’t let anyone have any right of way today. i knew i wasn’t in the flow. felt like i was observing from a distance. wasn’t too keen on what i saw . granted this ny minute bitch gets shit done. got to the store, bank, and the post office with plenty of time to spare. mailed everything leaving the post office with a huge sigh of relief.
what the hell had just happened.
exhaustion on a physical and emotional level, huge amounts of pain (fibro, sciatica and scoliosis), ruminations, masterclasses and honestly missing the hugs of the grandpeeps is taking its toll on me and that’s perfectly natrual. i am a fully feeling human. no walls, no facades, and no damn sleep… i slipped back into my ny frame of mind for a hot minute,
that’s not me anymore and i’m estaticl. i’m also so respectful of what that bitch (say that with total love and admiration) did for me. she saved my life. i needed her as a runaway and a young mother. she got shit done! she didn’t take no for an answer when she applied to manufacturers hanover trust in the world trade center in 1985, she just changed her birth certificate, made herself a year older and was offered the job at 17. like i said,
she got shit done.
but I’m not willing to shove through life, snatching what I want anymore. it doesn’t feel familiar, like home
not my default anymore. love and kindness are my default.
yup, to quote virginia slims menthol lights, you’ve come a long way baby. i’m on soul time, fuck a ny minute, no thanks, no more.
there’s a new default in town.