it was a weekday. she kept track. she liked to know when her mother was near. today was different though, she had NO hope. her being was splayed open. raw nerve endings all exposed, vibrating in pain. her cronies weren’t around. group and foster home placements, family court dates and Spofferd were keeping them busy. there was a chance that a few of them were in doorways somewhere chemically numbing, shutting down their ability to feel. they too were the unwanted. as she walked out of under 21, she looked at the big building with such appreciation. at least there was no sleeping in bryant park or the piers for a little while. showers everyday were something to appreciate. maybe she should try to go home again but, she knew what would happen. she passed the bus depot, not knowing how much her life was going to be changed there in the near future. she made a left on ninth avenue and walked the three blocks to mccaffrey playground, one of her haunts.
sitting on her favorite bench facing the direction of the building her mother worked in, a few blocks away, she ruminated. why had she been born? for what reason? was it all going to hurt? would there be no love? what had she done this time? it started to rain. she thought of the little one at home and missed her so much. if she went back, she’d have hope for a hot minute, but invariably she ended up with her heart broken again and still no answers or clues to figure this mess out. she’d tried to be quieter, less present and hardly visible but that only worked for so long.
the tears began to flow as the yearning to belong ripped through her. the pain was so intense, she felt like something had her guts in a vice grip. she just wasn’t lovable, she knew it. that must be it. she wanted a family so bad … the pain was excruciatingly. she sat there for hours in the rain. imagined all sorts of scenarios where she was rescued. she was really adopted and now they wanted her back, they would shower her with tons of kisses and hugs to make up for the all the missed years. she was a long lost princess from a far away kingdom and they had been searching for her. her one true love was led by his spirit to that very park bench.
she really did think of things like that.
no one ever came.
so she spent her 13th birthday in the park, tears mixing with the rain, knowing she was an aberration, the unwanted and vowed to one day make it matter.
about five minutes after i finished writing this, i saw a shopping cart full of somones property. the owner was no where to be seen. my heart twinged fiercly as i realized that person was an unwanted too, and i longed to do something about it. the time is coming for that to be more than just a feeling. an action. a call to arms.
if you feel unwanted, please don’t face it alone. hit someone up and say something. i am ALWAYS here, if you need an ear. i care. we must rise together. it’s the only way to heal. find me on facebook if you want to talk.
fb: Shanti Shaharazade Texeira