preparing to serve

it began when I picked up the book, goosebumps as i read it and resonated with everything. i had just gotten to the mountain in PR, and i knew my purpose was calling me. it is what sustained me in the nine or so months since I had been out of the psych hospital ending a two-year on and off stint with suicidal depression. it was finally over, my time spent examining the darkest corners of my own soul. i knew it was truly over when I got on that flight from logan to san juan. i made it. xtra weight, fears, anxieties, hands shaking and all.

universe-use-me

saw the book, ‘the universe has your back’ a preorder ad on amazon. i only knew of gabby, hearing/seeing her for the first time in austin, tx about five months before i slid into the abyss. saw the book and it called to me. preordered it. only book i have ever preordered, don’t even know why, got it, read it, wanted to highlight and implement everything. read it again, again and again. wrote down all of the prayers, starting implementing ‘choosing love over fear’ instantly. then implemented ACIM’s morning prayer, wrote it on index cards and kept it next to my bed, did the meditation for irrationality a few times a week.

i started to literally relax my body, soul and mind, leaning into the uncomfie sensations, leaning into the joy, the excitement, pain and memories… i asked the universe to use sequential numbers as our sign. i did a crystal grid, put communication with the universe as my intention, started really feeling the universe ‘hug’ me. 

the sequential numbers were and are EVERYWHERE, constantly, but it wasn’t only the numbers being there, it was THE numbers that totally corresponded with the exact situations, so i stopped being cynical and starting heeding the messages and  obeying the nudges.the universe began giving me writing prompts (i know it sounds ridiculous), i shrugged and wrote.

the most incredible joy and energy began permeating my being, i started to understand. the universe wants our REAL, our AUTHENTIC, cares nothing about a sexy smile, cares nothing about the contouring we do to slenderize our faces, it only cares about our hearts, our intent… our pure ‘yummy num nums’ as i call it, our vibration and frequency.  

i am so trying to make this succinct. 

i was a runaway on the streets of the NYC, a chronic runaway who frequented Covenant House, back then also called Under 21. I have survived rape, incest, homelessness, drug addiction, an overdose, domestic violence, post partum depression psychosis (so much more) and two years of the abyss (suicidal depression), three suicide attempts,  around 7 hospital stays and one visit to the ICU.

so following the universe’s nudges, i’ve  posted about some of my experiences as fast as i can write them. in school f/t, writing, coaching school, peeling this onion, doing the work, implementing mediation and learning how to love god/universe through loving me.

all of that withstanding, there have been SO many miracles and signs. too numerous to share here (if you read this far, i give you serious props for universal love) today was the one thing that made me just sit back cuz i know without a doubt that the universe has my back. covenant house just hit me up on twitter to send me,  one of their ex residents a hoodie on the mountains of PR.

yea.. that did it.

why that lil tiny thing?

cuz i knew and know in my heart of hearts that I am going to live out my purpose and get to speak to high risk young people. this is the moment that i know it as much as i know that children have all the answers. i know it like i knew jesus was all about love, at the age of five.

wow. we totally got this. surrender to the pull of your passion, that’s the universe tugging at your heart, LET it. lean into all those feelings.. the answers are coming up.. yea sometimes it is uncomfortable, but it passes, they are hard moments not bad lives. so much more to this story but..  omg, who’s gonna read all of this. . shrugs. who cares right?? the universe made me do it.

sat nam tribe and all of my love.

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6 thoughts on “preparing to serve

  1. Powerfully scribed, as always and as always expected once one’s shared a smidgen of your space, beautiful goddess. I love this, every drop of it, each pause and reflection sigh. LOVED it.
    Sisterlove squeezes, dear heart. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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