i never know where/when the next nudge is coming. i am fully aware now and paying attention to everything. choosing to turn ‘in’ more to ‘hear/feel’ the summons. odd to see some of the way universe works, most unlikely messengers. this is a deep one.
my son was watching one of my vlogs which in and of itself is huge for me. after which during our follow up conversation he recommended a movie to me. i was all over it. i need some soulful content. i’m just no longer satisfied with stupid shit that drains the soul. name of the movie was ‘cardboard boxer’ it’s on netflix. i recommend it.
i shy away from all movies and videos having to do with homelessness. it IS my achilles’ heel. frightens me so much that i choose to die, three times, to avoid it, not that it’s appearance was imminent in my life. the fear was enough.
in the late fall of 2014, i had returned to mass after a few months in texas. the feeling of failure was huge. my demons arriving every night to wrap their darkly seductive tendrils around my remaining light. as far as I was concerned, i had failed the world.
i was trying to choose light. a friend picked me up to spend a night at her house. i tried to explain what was going on but i really didn’t understand it all myself, well enough to do the description justice. she fell asleep. the window was open, the air was cold and it was raining.
blinking my eyes in confusion, i didn’t know if i was awake or asleep. dark… shadows…. cold…. wet…… shivering…. scared. huh? wait. what.
standing on the dark street, huddled in the doorway trying to stay away from the chilling rain. I could feel my heart beating so fast. so frightened. looked around, so dark i could barely see. Nowhere to go, nowhere to be safe. no one wants me. i am alone. i want nothing more than to be warm and safe, but there is nowhere to go. why am i here, what have i done wrong? they said it was all my fault, they must be right because no one wants me. why won’t god save me. am I so hard to love? the cold rain continued soaking through my clothes even as i tried to huddle deeper into the corner of the closed door. if I pushed myself in too deeply, i couldn’t make sure no one was coming. so cold, shivering. sad, so sad. what do i do? where should i go? just die already?
opening my eyes, i was still in my friend’s house, laying on the corner of her bed. glanced at the window and knew a fear so encompassing and terrifying, i couldn’t catch my breath. homelessness was coming, it found me. it was going to happen again. i was sure of it, and in that moment, i knew that i would die rather than ever be homeless again.
and that is when my ‘dark night of the soul’ really began… (to be continued)
i don’t know why the universe has me writing about this. i’ve learned not to question the nudges. maybe someone who’s homeless needs to have the sensations described for them. maybe there are others, once homeless that carry this lingering fear. what i know for sure is that that NO ONE i love will EVER feel that way. ever.
if this touches something in your heart, please love it forward, someone may need it.