I wondered what was hiding underneath the numbing with food and shopping. What was I running from.
What did I not want to feel?
I didn’t even know this was a plan, I am not always privy to the purpose behind my choices. I am literally just doing what I’m told. Literally. I knew I was going to just do shakes for a few days. I felt something in me wanting to be seen, fighting to be heard, desiring to be felt.
If I am truly loving myself that means honoring IT ALL, even the nasty bits.
I don’t like being angry at people I love. I’ve never thought about anger as something I was entitled to feel. Seemed traitorous to me. especially since I totally understand how that darkness slithered and grew through the generations. Through secrets and silence. I’ve never felt okay about secrets and silence about anything. I forced myself to adapt as much as I was capable of, and felt as though I would throw up. Every time, I swallowed my truth, I got physically sick.
I wanted to tell everyone what was happening at home. truth is, I wanted someone to explain it to me. I was having such a hard time processing it.
Today I didn’t eat, am only going to do protein/veggie shakes and let what needs to rise, rise. I am so angry that I was the prefect breeding ground for becoming an abusive young mother. I had no shot in hell. Retrospectively it is almost amusing in a very twisted way; molestation, child abuse, life on the streets, domestic violence, and postpartum depression psychosis. It was a hellova cocktail.
I had no idea there was such a thing as being your babies tour guide, an ambassador of love on earth. I was commandeered at birth. I was a witness to dictatorship. I knew of no other way.
I do now
I GET IT NOW.
I will NOT keep secrets of the darkness ever again.
Our youth must know they HAVE CHOICES. How else will they find out? WHO will SHOW them??? When??? When it’s too late??
How bout I stand and do it. How about NOW? Perfectly Imperfect as is, and AS I figure it out and show the process.
Yea.. universe said so. I surrender to it all.
yes of course there’s more, but who the fuck wants to read a book???