Sitting on her borrowed chaise lounge chair on top of the mountain, revisiting the horrors of the abyss was taking its toll on her.
She was visiting hell’s terrain to write about it, and today she had felt ashamed again, at her choices during those two years in and out of psych hospitals. She hadn’t spent any time honing her craft in this book, she couldn’t stay still long enough, dwelling, in every feeling. She was writing fast, so that the disease of the darkness could not infect her again.
She saw herself slightly contracted leaning forward as a dark shadowy outline was disconnecting from her light self. Could see and feel the detachment as this experience was purging through the writing of the horrors.
She had asked to be of service.
She hadn’t asked for this shit. This pain.
She had finished her writing for the day putting the puzzle pieces in chronological order. Nauseous and exhausted, she closed her laptop and headed to bed, knowing that she indeed had to work on her finals this week as well.
She slept deep, a respite from the discomfort of purging. Waking up, she picked up her Ipad to put on music, she thought about doing Gabby’s meditation for irrationality that she had been carrying around on this iPad since Austin. She chose the song instead, not wanting to delve deeply into anything. The iPad started playing the meditation. She understood. She assumed the mudra. Crying deeply, she stood up (when directed) and started waving her hands around letting off the darkness, shaking it off to the sounds of “Florence and the Machine”.
She got it now, she understood as the shudders racked her body. She had to continuously choose to see the entire journey as she wrote through the eyes of love not fear.
A constant journey of surrendering to the light casts its own spell of protection around us.
surrendering to light’s purpose is an immunization against the darkness
It’s a matter of faith and surrender. Not nearly as easy as it sounds, but it is indeed possible.