As I’m approaching my half century mark, I can look back and see the long road from whence I came. I was in my ‘feels’ today and for those that are close to me; a shrug and a what’s new may have been the response, however; being non-apologetic for ‘feeling’ and not fighting those very powerful emotions is very new. As a psych student, I have researched, studied, and read about the toxicity of repressing emotions, and I believe blocking and curtailing my darkness is exactly what led me to two years in and out of psych hospitals with suicidal depression.
I am so grateful for my time here on this mountain in Puerto Rico, humbled by the opportunity to press pause and let everything for the last 50 years slam into me, ready to be acknowledged and honored, reading for archival. I have 1000% surrendered to the waves of repressed emotion that has for the most part hit me like a freight train, but I braced for it. I knew it was coming. I knew it when I weaned myself off 11 psychotropic medications. I knew it was coming when I started writing my book, “Meant to be Here” about the 2 years in the abyss. I knew it was coming when I embraced complete authenticity and stopped smiling at jokes I didn’t find funny, or when I stood in the midst of the tsunami, still, and let the storm rip from me everything that wasn’t mine. I knew it was coming when I gave up trying to fix anyone and just loved them and me as is.
And, come it did. Massive waves of exquisitely sharp spasms of residual pain assaulted every level of my being. Feelings of loss and at times, the uninvited feeling of regrets. The mourning of unlived paths which had died at the hand of my choices. I surrendered time and time again, resisting none of it. I surrendered and allowed source/my higher self to soothe me, knowing I am doing this all not just for the love of self, which is indeed primary, but so that I can fully be of service, using every experience I’ve ever had to help and lift the collective consciousness.
I didn’t anticipate how ‘alone’ this time would be, or that I’d miss my grandpeeps so much my arms would virtually ache to wrap around them, longing to kiss their chunky lil faces, tickle their sides and nibble on their toesies. *sighs*
I didn’t anticipate my best friend dying last month. I didn’t anticipate Facebook tagging her for me in a post, or that I’d reach to text her, and realize that I couldn’t.
Here’s the thing. Feelings are a gift, and are so necessary for the soulful navigation of this very human existence. It is a way to purge the soul shaking experiences from our being, to know what’s important to our souls, to know what stirs our passion and to exercise empathy. Repressed emotions lead to a plethora of physical and emotional diseases. Research it for yourself. I am leaning into every experience. Today is my little cousin’s birthday, my deceased aunt’s daughter, the first of my best friends to die. I held her the day she was born so many years ago, she was literally pulled from my aunt’s stomach and placed in my arms. I miss her, and I miss my other cousin. I miss so many people, but there are things I can control, and things I cannot. I surrender once again.
I no longer apologize for feeling. I have the right to feel sad. I’m mourning these very real losses… ummm however;
Don’t get it twisted, a goddess is getting ready to celebrate the FUCK outta the half century celebration..
I made it
I’m wiser and more authentic that I’ve ever been before
And well to be quite frank, my twerk is better than ever thanks to Zumba and healthy eating..
What else is possible??
I WILL FIND OUT!
I just shed 49 years of bullshit, it’s time to PARTY!!!