i belong to me!

I went through some shit. 

Don’t we all? 

It is important that we process and digest these powerful disruptions, taking as long as we need too. “Get over it” is the most harmful thing (in my opinion) we can say to ourselves and/or each other.

Last night, in bed reading, “Braving the Wilderness” by Brene Brown,I was in a state of incredulousness reading each word, my soul nodding in agreement.  Yes, yes, my spirit exclaimed repeatedly as I noticed my pillow was wet from tears that I hadn’t even noticed leaking from my eyes.  Am I crying?

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are(Brown PhD, LMSW, 2017).

Image result for returning to the light

I had tried ‘belonging’ to everyone and everywhere before I had my two-year stint in the darkness, where I had been suicidally depressed, went through a few foiled suicide attempts, approx. 7-9 hospitalizations then emerging on the other side of hell sans decades of bullshit facades, clutching the gifts I had collected in the abyss, firmly, not yet understanding the extraordinary bonuses I had collected in that dark night of the soul.

After reemerging, things were different, I fully sensed bullshit. Had my intuition back, decades of societal crap were gone.  I was buffeted clean, and raw from the abrasions but aware, awake, and painfully exposed.  I had decisions to make.  Continue trying to fit in and risk having it happen again, or be true to myself and risk…

Being alone.

*sighs*, it was a scary no brainer, one ripe with emotion and trepidation, but I embarked on one of the most courageous and awakening journeys of my life that required writing a letter of ‘I love you, but this isn’t working out, let me know if you ever want to work on us, together and I’ll be there’ letters to more people than I anticipated.  The sound of crickets was predominately the reply I received.  I had to learn to surrender and accept the pain.  

I moved on. 

It hurt, it did, but wasn’t I worth REAL and POWERFUL interactions that inspired my greatness? 

My life became a tribute to the power of extreme quality over quantity.  The universe brought it with a level of spiritual siblings, of an ilk I hadn’t known existed. 


I hadn’t ever imagined as magnificently as divine has provided.

I then had to actively create new behaviors, rewiring the synaptic pathways in my brain.  Mothering my inner child and becoming my own best advocate and best friend, I found that no less will do now.  My bar has been raised.

“Once we belong thoroughly to ourselves and believe thoroughly in ourselves, true belonging is ours” (Brown PhD, LMSW, 2017).

I belong to ME now, and I believe in myself and universe more than I ever have, since maybe the age of 3-4.

“Braving the wilderness” is soul substantiating and authenticating.  When you read it, remember I said that it’s like coming home to what your soul already knew but didn’t know it knew. 

I’m not even done with it yet, still have about 1/3 left. 


I surrender to be disrupted and shifted.  I embrace the level-ups that are on their way.  To expand we must contract, and to be honest contractions can hurt like a bitch, BUT.

I am NOW leaving a legacy of hope, faith, determination, inclusion, self-respect, kindness, education, determination, resilience, and tenacity for my kids and grandpeeps. 

Yea, we do rise together. 

I’m sure there will be more about this.

Just wow.





Brown PhD, LMSW, B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness (1st ed.). Random House.

How the two years in hell began: https://tainamystique.wordpress.com/2016/10/20/meant-to-be-here-the-beginning/

Published by: Shanti Shaharazade

Told to write it all down, I do, finally. It took me from 1991 to now, to surrender to Universe/God/dess (insert name of choice) and to embrace this path with my soul wide open. I love sharing all of my journey with young people to demonstrate that it is possible to choose the light constantly even when face to face with your own darkness. I've used a variety of tools to shed ego's protective barriers like onion layers. I am determined to share the journey, tools and encouragement, being the change I want in the world. If something resonates, touches you, please share, it could do the same for another. Also feel free to share your thoughts, opinions or to voice your disagreement, all points of view are welcome and appreciated, at worst we can agree to disagree. Thank you for stopping by!!! Sat Nam


4 thoughts on “i belong to me!”

  1. Beautiful piece, dear woman. So glad you continue to do the work, grow and polish that inner light so that it shines bright to guide you and beckon those who hear the call to find their inner light. Bright blessings!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. awww i miss you, thank you so much. I won’t ever stop, this legacy is the best gift i can give my grandpeeps and to be honest, I DESERVE the succulence this existence has to offer. I just implemented yoga three days ago and already my pain is down at least 60%. WE have choices that we can make that enable us to ENJOY the succulence of life, we just need to remove the barriers to love and embrace the hell out of the light. heart hugs my darling.. heart hugs.. are you on messenger???


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