i belong to me!

I went through some shit. 

Don’t we all? 

It is important that we process and digest these powerful disruptions, taking as long as we need too. “Get over it” is the most harmful thing (in my opinion) we can say to ourselves and/or each other.

Last night, in bed reading, “Braving the Wilderness” by Brene Brown,I was in a state of incredulousness reading each word, my soul nodding in agreement.  Yes, yes, my spirit exclaimed repeatedly as I noticed my pillow was wet from tears that I hadn’t even noticed leaking from my eyes.  Am I crying?

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are" (Brown PhD, LMSW, 2017).



I had tried ‘belonging’ to everyone and everywhere before I had my two-year stint in the darkness, where I had been suicidally depressed, went through a few foiled suicide attempts, approx. 7-9 hospitalizations then emerging on the other side of hell sans decades of bullshit facades, clutching the gifts I had collected in the abyss, firmly, not yet understanding the extraordinary bonuses I had collected in that dark night of the soul.

After reemerging, things were different, I fully sensed bullshit. Had my intuition back, decades of societal crap were gone.  I was buffeted clean, and raw from the abrasions but aware, awake, and painfully exposed.  I had decisions to make.  Continue trying to fit in and risk having it happen again, or be true to myself and risk…

Being alone.

*sighs*, it was a scary no brainer, one ripe with emotion and trepidation, but I embarked on one of the most courageous and awakening journeys of my life that required writing a letter of ‘I love you, but this isn’t working out, let me know if you ever want to work on us, together and I’ll be there’ letters to more people than I anticipated.  The sound of crickets was predominately the reply I received.  I had to learn to surrender and accept the pain.  

I moved on. 

It hurt, it did, but wasn’t I worth REAL and POWERFUL interactions that inspired my greatness? 

My life became a tribute to the power of extreme quality over quantity.  The universe brought it with a level of spiritual siblings, of an ilk I hadn’t known existed. 

Damn.

I hadn’t ever imagined as magnificently as divine has provided.

I then had to actively create new behaviors, rewiring the synaptic pathways in my brain.  Mothering my inner child and becoming my own best advocate and best friend, I found that no less will do now.  My bar has been raised.

“Once we belong thoroughly to ourselves and believe thoroughly in ourselves, true belonging is ours” (Brown PhD, LMSW, 2017).

I belong to ME now, and I believe in myself and universe more than I ever have, since maybe the age of 3-4.

“Braving the wilderness” is soul substantiating and authenticating.  When you read it, remember I said that it’s like coming home to what your soul already knew but didn’t know it knew. 

I’m not even done with it yet, still have about 1/3 left. 

But.

I surrender to be disrupted and shifted.  I embrace the level-ups that are on their way.  To expand we must contract, and to be honest contractions can hurt like a bitch, BUT.

I am NOW leaving a legacy of hope, faith, determination, inclusion, self-respect, kindness, education, determination, resilience, and tenacity for my kids and grandpeeps. 

Yea, we do rise together. 

I’m sure there will be more about this.

Just wow.

Read

The

Book!

Reference:

Brown PhD, LMSW, B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness (1st ed.). Random House.

How the two years in hell began: https://tainamystique.wordpress.com/2016/10/20/meant-to-be-here-the-beginning/