Sick to my stomach at 3am, I briefly reviewed some of the more challenging highlights of the last almost month of life so far offa the island. I vented, cried, and let the shit I couldn’t control go. Kept myself in line with source, in the ‘vortex’. By the way, when I say sick to my stomach, I do mean literally… prolly purging all the bullshit out, cuz it ALL has to come out in order to heal… at least for me it did. I had conformed in so many ways for so long, it almost killed me. Legit, almost killed me. But, I had choices, and even though it was excruciating to change EACH habit, one step at a time, constantly and consistently, I did it. I really did (my ego just bitchslapped me and told me to erase that… pffft… ) Because for me facing death… tiptoeing toward the veil, was the darkest I’ve ever been, and it was pretty dark… but I think when we accept and embrace our darkness, we ‘free’ up lights equal, or I find in most cases more. The light that comes in as a result of surrendering (constantly) to darkness’s life contributions … it’s HUGE. I mean my ass is getting addicted to the feeling of being in the flow.
I wanted to die. I mean really wanted to die. For two fucking years, I woke up everyday with a feeling of dread in my stomach. Plotting ways every day to summon the courage to DIE. I don’t know how to explain to people who thought I was faking that I was drowning in quicksand, I could not breathe. I had NEVER wanted to die before in my life. That shocked the shit out of me.
It took 3 plane tickets and 2 suicide attempts to accept my dad’s invitation to heal on Puerto Rico. I never knew darkness like that existed and now I respect the fuck out it. I am humbled by what I learned. I am forever shaken and stirred…
I was on 11 medications when I went to Puerto Rico… Lithium, abilify, paxil, Neurontin, (more but to be honest I can’t remember, I’ve downloaded medication list from the pharmacies) detoxed, implemented all these batshit sounding tools, and found out that you can actually retrain the synapses in your brain… you can. IT worked.. anyway fast forwarding it’s a LONG story and I share it constantly (again NOT my idea) I’ve been offa this mountain for almost a month and holy fuckola it was an assault on my senses …. But .. this is the gift.. which of course I didn’t even fully get until I’m writing this shit.. the universe fucking rocks.. anyway… six classes from graduation, book, “meant to be here” almost completed, about to get really healthy.. then.. Maria hit.. spent 50 days there in the aftermath came to Mass for the first time since 6 months after my last hospitalization.. whew! whoa! but one of the gifts.. are..
The tools really work. Off the mountain, away from my respite/healing in Aibonito, Puerto Rico, they still work. Cuz, holy shit the crap that’s been trying to fuck with my vibe… lmao, but I worked the tools and They Work. My stint in hell is really over!! I manning my choices fo sho!
These “cheesy’ ass tools work… for me anyway, but I had to destroy the box first and embrace possibilities outside the realm of my own ‘reality’ ….