I am so fucking grateful.
I’m not sure how to process these events… well I actually do but the realizations are so heady it takes time to digest.
Went to the gym today and did 30 minutes on the ARC. The last 20 minutes were so painful, that by the last five minutes, I was having a hard time holding back the tears. I’ve NEVER cried at the gym before. If you’re keeping up, you know I lost 130lbs before the 2 years I spent in the abyss, but regained it during the 2 years of suicidal depression, then developed sciatica and now…
How bad do I want it???
How bad do I want my health??
Well bad enough to work through level 13 pain <on a scale of 1-10>. I’ve had 3 C-sections, 1 hysterectomy, a SVT ablation… and severe fibro for years and YET…nothing has compared to this. Wow… this pain is a worthy opponent… but truly it isn’t… it’s a part of me. It wants to be seen, heard and honored. I did this. No blame or shame about it, but I made some choices that led me to this level of pain. Since I reclaimed my power by owning my choices, I now have the power to make new choices to change it. Word!
So there I was on that machine… whew… I thought of the veteran who utilized yoga for his healing.. what a badass huh??
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX9FSZJu448 <——————————– the veteran’s courageous journey.
Then I thought of Nick Vujicic who speaks to teenagers, which is what my passion calls me to do <—————————- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QV47eKRE4NU
These men’s journey’s inspired me right there on that ARC, holding on so my leg didn’t give… then I thought of my granddaughter Genesis, that legit believes I am a wonder woman… well ummm yea.. .gotta live up to that.
I self-talked for the last 15 minutes of the 30 minutes. Went something like this…
Ummm yea, you got this…
It’s your MIND, not your BODY tempted to quit…
The pain is the weakness leaving your body…
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you want your dreams??
What are you willing to do??
I made it… I did it… tears were rolling down my face, everyone around me faded into the background and DID NOT MATTER… they didn’t. I made it… I didn’t break my promise to MYSELF, because that is the most important relationship I have.
I slowly and gingerly made my way over to the yoga mat and cried for about 5 full minutes as I stretched and loved all of me even the fat, and pain… yea all of me.
Went home after running a few errands and did one more mile.
Yea I’m a fucking wonder woman. Yea I’m creating a magnificent life, cuz I’m worth it… No, I didn’t think I could do shit like this… and the most important question…
What else is possible????