con·trac·tion - the process of becoming smaller ex·pan·sion - a thing formed by the enlargement, broadening, or development of something I noticed lately when I beginning to process new shit rising from my murky depths, I tend to silence myself. I don’t really want to speak, I’m not ready to share. Through writing, I often am able to decipher my soul’s messages. I saw one of my best friends today, for the first time in almost three years. Although it was a heartwarming reunion, it also stirred up memories of the abyss. The last time we saw each other in person (and not via vid from Puerto Rico) I was still climbing out of hell. One never realizes how far they have come until confronted with a piece of the past. We met in the hospital after my attempted suicide. I’m never ashamed of that experience but it definitely struck a cord; as her aunt remembered seeing me when she came to visit Jill in the hospital, it didn’t pinch until Jill called out describing it as, “remember… the locked facility”… my stomach knotted up, holy shit, how could I forget that for a significant part of two years, I was behind locked doors??? Gulp. So, while, yea I just graduated with my BA, summa cum laude and all that shit, not so long ago, I was on suicide watch and one a large buffet of psychotropics. WTF, did that happen, yup it did. I had also lost a shit ton of weight, which I am now ‘loving’ off myself, for good. This unraveling isn’t the same as when I lost it before. This is more complicated, because it’s permanent, it’s the literal unraveling layer by layer, feeling the repressed pain, owning, accepting, loving and integrating it. It can be tedious and frustrating. I had her take a full-length and cringed … although my spirit is rocking Cleopatra <see post by that name> my external appearance still looks like it’s rocking oompa Loompa <sighs>. I do love myself regardless and forgive, honor and all that good shit, but damn… <sighs> this shit takes courage and on some days… I just wanna forget everything I’m striving for and towards and just be Shanti… I’m grateful I saw Jill and Jen today. They will forever be in my heart, they would literally drive 2 hours through the snow to come get me at my very worst. When I got back to their house with them, I’d sit on their bed in the same spot the entire weekend, hardly moving, sometimes not speaking. It’s crazy when I get a glimpse of the lost <well, misplaced> woman I was for that two years. How the fuck did I get here? How the fuck did I make it out of that hell? How the fuck was I able to get off the meds and graduate. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Yea I’m stunned… I really am, and I know others may not fully understand how in shock and how fucking grateful I am, and I get that too, to understand this depth of gratitude and surprise, you would have to have visited my personal ninth circle of hell, and well it wasn’t a very nice place. Yea, I’m taking as much time as I need to, to lovingly process this HUGE shit, and to honor all that is rising, for intergration. What other miracles are possible??? I’m finding it out, the same way I got out of hell AND made it graduation sans meds, depression and anxiety, one tiny step at a time. Thank you Jill and Jen for loving and accepting me at my LEGIT WORST… you are in my heart FOREVER… literally FOREVER. Contractions (tightness, pain, discomfort), birth expansions (joys, growth), I'm looking forward to the expansion on it's way.