obsidian gifts

Image result for climbing out of hell

 

 

there was something to this

this aloneness

not loneliness

but aloneness

there were no obstacles

to the passion running

rampant

in her veins

for she was

a raw and tender soul

always perceived as a weakness

but she knew…

yes, she knew

that no matter

how she described

hell’s terrain

time in the abyss

no one would understand

what she had conquered

that she had climbed out

the wounds were closing now

remnants barely visible

everything was new

existence a miracle

nothing left of the mundane

nothing without value remained

she would never be the same

and she was grateful. 

torn away

she stood… legs wide apart with one foot slightly in front of the other, leaning forward, courageously braced…   the tornado picked up speed … closer it came.  the urge turn and run surged over her senses, but she didn’t contract, she didn’t resist, she stood her ground, superhero stance as the tornado whipped around her, ripping … tearing…  shredding… destroying… cleansing…

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left kneeling upon the ground, bruised and bloody, she lifted her head and surveyed the annihilation of all that she had known… so much had been torn away… very little remained…

but.

what was left was hers and she reveled in the knowledge of that.   

meant to be here – outcast

I have always preferred that if I had to be hurt, it would be at the hand of strangers and not those who were ‘supposed’ to love me.

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I had never fit in anywhere. It was never more apparent than these two years in hell.  I hadn’t belonged in any foster or group home either.  Too dark for white, too white for dark, too emotional, bright, sullen, inquisitive, demonstrative, introspective… Too intelligent for the street, too street for academia.  All I ever wanted was to fit in, to belong, but not even during my dark night of the soul (textbook definition), especially not then, did I fit in except with other outcasts… the misfits. (Shaharazade, 2017).

Shaharazade, S. (2017). Meant to be Here (1st ed.). New York.

 

 

with not a word

She gazed at the ensemble on the table to her right.  Thought of what it had taken to get here. Suddenly she jumped up and smiled, she’d done it.  Donning her cap and gown, she ran her hands down her much healthier body.  She fixed the laces on her olive colored chucks, and stood up, righting her cap over the plentiful curls hanging down her back.

She lined up with her classmates who she’d never met but understood deeply.  They shared a common drive and laser like focus that brooked  no dissuasion.  They smiled proudly at each other. 

It was time.

They started out on the stage and one by one as they were called, they went up and received their   baccalaureates. She wanted to cartwheel off the stage.  She hadn’t even thought to check and see if anyone had come.  Taking her cap and gown off she removed the tassel for safe keeping.

Image result for the perfect kiss

She took the ring box out of her pocket and with childlike enthusiasm slipped her school ring on her fuck you finger… She laughed remembering the conversation with her dad that had most definitely been the deciding factor on the placement of the ring.

Looking in the mirror she fixed her shimmering sand and metallic olive half sari she had had made especially for this occasion and checked her lipstick. She couldn’t help but smile.  She resonated in Cheshire Cat energy! 

Walking through the auditorium, though she felt like dancing through it, she spotted a vaguely familiar face watching her from across the room. Cocking her eyebrow, she hugged and congratulated classmates as she made her way closer to him…

WTF? She thought.  She had posted the event on her social media but really hadn’t expected anyone to come.

But…

He.

Had.

Come.

Close now, maybe 50 feet away from him, she just stopped. 

Just staring at each other, huge smiles on their faces, she flipped him the bird to show him the ring.  He laughed and held out his hand.  Silently she took it and went outside with him.

Early evening in New Hampshire on the first of July was beautiful.  The sky clear. The trees a giant green fence around them.  Warm but not oppressive.

They faced each other.

She smiled not breaking eye contact, he lifted his hand and gently cupped her cheek. A pensive look crossed his face, to which she raised an eyebrow.

He smiled again as he leaned in … they hugged.  Genuinely hugged each other.  He understood how hard this journey had been for her. Unbeknownst to her, he had been reading what she wrote.  He knew the tenacity hidden behind her smiling eyes.  She was just amazed he had come. 

She lay her head on his shoulder.

He smelled so good. She inhaled him. Ran her hands over his back. 

Pulling apart just to look at each other, he lowered his head… s l o w l y… but stopped as their noses almost touched.  He looked at the amber flecks in her eyes… they were almost sharing one breathe.  She lifted her face and oh so softly rubbed her cheek against his. Savoring the feeling of their skin touching felt like worship. It was sexy, in a deeply religious way. He lowered his lips near hers… but just barely touching. 

Their breathing quickened.

The very molecules of air were pregnant with promise.

His hands reached to hold hers by her sides.  

She softly licked his lower lip…barely.

There was a pause that seemed to stretch into eternity…

He reached his arms around her and pulled her close…she stepped into his embrace and the flames engulfed them both as they tenderly but deeply kissed.  Exploring every single inflamed molecule between them, they seemed to ignite the night with their raw expression.

Her arms around his neck, his hands in her hair, they finally and reluctantly pulled apart….lips swollen with eyes full of fire.

Smiling at each other once more, they turned to walk back into the building…

not one word had been spoken.

ramblings

awakening to my human existence

inside,  I find fearful persistence

at times doth hide, oh yes tis

my precious, the ego, the snake

that creeps in so softly

preceding mistakes

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sobbing, sobbing on my

self-pitying throne

oh woe is me, I feel all alone

t’was what little “i” would have us

believe…. hiding, scared

so fearful,  deceived …by the

skewed perceptions

perceived self-transgressions while

weighted down with

pain, sorrow, protection

and woes

till the veil thins enough

and our senses implode

Oh shit, oh my, what did I do

in my darkness…  to myself,

i was sorrowfully untrue

i could, should, would have spoken

up and desisted

when to my own soul utterings 

I resisted.

(deep breath)

I come now…

to this place…

covered by source’s redeeming grace

in the depth of the is’ness’

tis naught but mundane murky business

of this temporal  human experience

little to do with our innate soul’s brilliance

shanti shaharazade

legacy

nose to the grindstone

back pressed into the wall

i used to be committed

to punishing each of my falls

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no more apologies

i’ve I’m sorried us to death

if you think I’m done rising

you ain’t seen nothing yet

 

with every fiber of my being

backed by 10,000 ancestors strong

i am shining a light so fierce

my grandpeeps need never fall

 

but if they do, my darlings

if they falter with come what may

there will be a lit path I’ve carved

holding the dark doubts at bay

 

i’ve removed every obstacle

to love that was in the way

leaving a legacy of hope and

passion to sustain the cloudy days

family court

there’s no greater anguish

than sitting, waiting, all alone

trusting this sick society

to stand, deliver you a home

the long and empty hallways 

disinfect tinges the air

how to convey to adults there

all you need is a family who cares

Image result for teenager alone and sad

you’ve seen it in the movies

and know that it exists

hugs and kisses would be better

than a hellish existence like this

the inevitable footfall happens

stranger with clipboard by your side

another long silent commute

nowhere to run and hide

then comes the sudden arrival 

to the place or the hovel

no welcoming hugs to greet you

sight of barracks and physical defeat you

and you try to rise

despite all the pain

and you try to shine

with the feelings of shame

and try to live

without pointing the blame

at yourself, for being born.