with not a word

She gazed at the ensemble on the table to her right.  Thought of what it had taken to get here. Suddenly she jumped up and smiled, she’d done it.  Donning her cap and gown, she ran her hands down her much healthier body.  She fixed the laces on her olive colored chucks, and stood up, righting her cap over the plentiful curls hanging down her back.

She lined up with her classmates who she’d never met but understood deeply.  They shared a common drive and laser like focus that brooked  no dissuasion.  They smiled proudly at each other. 

It was time.

They started out on the stage and one by one as they were called, they went up and received their   baccalaureates. She wanted to cartwheel off the stage.  She hadn’t even thought to check and see if anyone had come.  Taking her cap and gown off she removed the tassel for safe keeping.

Image result for the perfect kiss

She took the ring box out of her pocket and with childlike enthusiasm slipped her school ring on her fuck you finger… She laughed remembering the conversation with her dad that had most definitely been the deciding factor on the placement of the ring.

Looking in the mirror she fixed her shimmering sand and metallic olive half sari she had had made especially for this occasion and checked her lipstick. She couldn’t help but smile.  She resonated in Cheshire Cat energy! 

Walking through the auditorium, though she felt like dancing through it, she spotted a vaguely familiar face watching her from across the room. Cocking her eyebrow, she hugged and congratulated classmates as she made her way closer to him…

WTF? She thought.  She had posted the event on her social media but really hadn’t expected anyone to come.

But…

He.

Had.

Come.

Close now, maybe 50 feet away from him, she just stopped. 

Just staring at each other, huge smiles on their faces, she flipped him the bird to show him the ring.  He laughed and held out his hand.  Silently she took it and went outside with him.

Early evening in New Hampshire on the first of July was beautiful.  The sky clear. The trees a giant green fence around them.  Warm but not oppressive.

They faced each other.

She smiled not breaking eye contact, he lifted his hand and gently cupped her cheek. A pensive look crossed his face, to which she raised an eyebrow.

He smiled again as he leaned in … they hugged.  Genuinely hugged each other.  He understood how hard this journey had been for her. Unbeknownst to her, he had been reading what she wrote.  He knew the tenacity hidden behind her smiling eyes.  She was just amazed he had come. 

She lay her head on his shoulder.

He smelled so good. She inhaled him. Ran her hands over his back. 

Pulling apart just to look at each other, he lowered his head… s l o w l y… but stopped as their noses almost touched.  He looked at the amber flecks in her eyes… they were almost sharing one breathe.  She lifted her face and oh so softly rubbed her cheek against his. Savoring the feeling of their skin touching felt like worship. It was sexy, in a deeply religious way. He lowered his lips near hers… but just barely touching. 

Their breathing quickened.

The very molecules of air were pregnant with promise.

His hands reached to hold hers by her sides.  

She softly licked his lower lip…barely.

There was a pause that seemed to stretch into eternity…

He reached his arms around her and pulled her close…she stepped into his embrace and the flames engulfed them both as they tenderly but deeply kissed.  Exploring every single inflamed molecule between them, they seemed to ignite the night with their raw expression.

Her arms around his neck, his hands in her hair, they finally and reluctantly pulled apart….lips swollen with eyes full of fire.

Smiling at each other once more, they turned to walk back into the building…

not one word had been spoken.

ramblings

awakening to my human existence

inside,  I find fearful persistence

at times doth hide, oh yes tis

my precious, the ego, the snake

that creeps in so softly

preceding mistakes

Image result for words coming out of someone's mouth

sobbing, sobbing on my

self-pitying throne

oh woe is me, I feel all alone

t’was what little “i” would have us

believe…. hiding, scared

so fearful,  deceived …by the

skewed perceptions

perceived self-transgressions while

weighted down with

pain, sorrow, protection

and woes

till the veil thins enough

and our senses implode

Oh shit, oh my, what did I do

in my darkness…  to myself,

i was sorrowfully untrue

i could, should, would have spoken

up and desisted

when to my own soul utterings 

I resisted.

(deep breath)

I come now…

to this place…

covered by source’s redeeming grace

in the depth of the is’ness’

tis naught but mundane murky business

of this temporal  human experience

little to do with our innate soul’s brilliance

shanti shaharazade

legacy

nose to the grindstone

back pressed into the wall

i used to be committed

to punishing each of my falls

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no more apologies

i’ve I’m sorried us to death

if you think I’m done rising

you ain’t seen nothing yet

 

with every fiber of my being

backed by 10,000 ancestors strong

i am shining a light so fierce

my grandpeeps need never fall

 

but if they do, my darlings

if they falter with come what may

there will be a lit path I’ve carved

holding the dark doubts at bay

 

i’ve removed every obstacle

to love that was in the way

leaving a legacy of hope and

passion to sustain the cloudy days

there’s no greater anguish
than sitting, waiting, all alone
trusting this sick society
to stand up, and deliver you a home

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the long and empty hallways
disinfectant tinges the air
how to convey to the adults there
all you need is a family who cares

you've seen it in the movies
know that it exists
hugs and kisses would be better
than a hellish existence like this

the inevitable footfall happens
stranger with a clipboard by your side
another long silent commute
nowhere to run and hide

then comes the sudden arrival 
to the next palace or the hovel
no welcoming hugs to greet you
fear of barracks and med exams defeat you

and you try to rise
despite all the pain

and try to shine
despite the feelings of shame


and try to live
without pointing the blame

but only at ourselves...
for ... being born.  

 

a shero’s quest

I realized this morning writing in my journal, after completing my 20/20/20 that the biggest disappointment I ever felt was the day I choose to buy into the story.  The day I let me down, by laughing at the joke I never found funny, or pretending to make fun of someone even though my heart was aching for them and for the real me.

awaken

Every disappointment the world has offered me after that was just a mirror of a deeper hurt.  The one where I hid myself under layers of bullshit. I’ve never ‘hated’ the real me… I hated the facades.  I hated pretending… I also took this disappointment out on those who loved my bullshit self.  I hated those who wanted me to be fake.   

I allowed this madness to continue until it all fell apart. Something inside me broke and the masks pooled around my feet, shattered… they existed no more. 

I was left naked.

Standing alone.

Raw.  Vulnerable.

Exposed.

And now begins the greatest journey I have ever undertaken… back to my innate self.

Now, I can be of service.

Now, I can shine unapologetically.

It’s time. 

anchored by divine purpose

The colors ran together, mixing… running in rivulets down her neck, chest, and arms.  The masks had melted, were now sliding, pooling at her feet.  She felt exposed.  The light was so bright, it burned.

She felt as though everyone could see every mistake she had ever made.  Raw and vulnerable, she at times questioned her intuition, her connection to divine, the instructions she was ‘feeling’. 

then she surrendered. 

and surrendered again.

Her purpose kept her anchored to this existence, that and the love of her children, grandchildren and her soul pod siblings. 

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It was sometimes very scary. This was a journey of faith, no written guarantees… believing in the unseen. 

Not paying heed to the fears that reared their heads…

Nose to the grindstone and back to the wall, she set focus on what her soul knew to be true and not what her eyes mistakenly saw. 

This required courage, she didn’t know she had. 

She had visited many tribes but had yet to find one that resonated.  Being alone was preferable than hooking up with the wrong pod.  

She stopped …  raised to her tiptoes by the tether between her soul and the universal flow.  

 

meant to be here – the abyss’s putrescent fruits

Bandaged wrists, drug overdoses, detoxes, tears, contracted painful sobbing wracking the body.  Rocking, moaning, vomiting, chills, nightmares, despair, desolation, rejection, recriminations, more rejection, doubts, shame, blame and more darkness…’ this is the stuff of the abyss.

Shaharazade, S. (2017). Meant to be Here (1st ed.). New York.