a shero’s quest

I realized this morning writing in my journal, after completing my 20/20/20 that the biggest disappointment I ever felt was the day I choose to buy into the story.  The day I let me down, by laughing at the joke I never found funny, or pretending to make fun of someone even though my heart was aching for them and for the real me.

awaken

Every disappointment the world has offered me after that was just a mirror of a deeper hurt.  The one where I hid myself under layers of bullshit. I’ve never ‘hated’ the real me… I hated the facades.  I hated pretending… I also took this disappointment out on those who loved my bullshit self.  I hated those who wanted me to be fake.   

I allowed this madness to continue until it all fell apart. Something inside me broke and the masks pooled around my feet, shattered… they existed no more. 

I was left naked.

Standing alone.

Raw.  Vulnerable.

Exposed.

And now begins the greatest journey I have ever undertaken… back to my innate self.

Now, I can be of service.

Now, I can shine unapologetically.

It’s time. 

anchored by divine purpose

The colors ran together, mixing… running in rivulets down her neck, chest, and arms.  The masks had melted, were now sliding, pooling at her feet.  She felt exposed.  The light was so bright, it burned.

She felt as though everyone could see every mistake she had ever made.  Raw and vulnerable, she at times questioned her intuition, her connection to divine, the instructions she was ‘feeling’. 

then she surrendered. 

and surrendered again.

Her purpose kept her anchored to this existence, that and the love of her children, grandchildren and her soul pod siblings. 

Image result for stars are tugging at my hair again

It was sometimes very scary. This was a journey of faith, no written guarantees… believing in the unseen. 

Not paying heed to the fears that reared their heads…

Nose to the grindstone and back to the wall, she set focus on what her soul knew to be true and not what her eyes mistakenly saw. 

This required courage, she didn’t know she had. 

She had visited many tribes but had yet to find one that resonated.  Being alone was preferable than hooking up with the wrong pod.  

She stopped …  raised to her tiptoes by the tether between her soul and the universal flow.  

 

meant to be here – the abyss’s putrescent fruits

Bandaged wrists, drug overdoses, detoxes, tears, contracted painful sobbing wracking the body.  Rocking, moaning, vomiting, chills, nightmares, despair, desolation, rejection, recriminations, more rejection, doubts, shame, blame and more darkness…’ this is the stuff of the abyss.

Shaharazade, S. (2017). Meant to be Here (1st ed.). New York.

meant to be here – the shadow of memories

Reaching out her fingers, she softly touched the face of the free-spirited young child she had been oh so long ago.  Observed her dancing, twirling sinuously around the room, her mother’s borrowed mantillas draped around her little shoulders or knotted over a hip. She had felt such freedom and hope in the power of love as she danced. 

Image result for shadow of a little girl belly dancing

Blinking, she returned to the present and wondered when she had lost the audacity to be herself. She lovingly looked once more at the dancing tiny goddess she had been, residing now only in her mind’s eye and lit another cigarette staring out of the window at the gloomy city that had, like her, lost its light.

Shaharazade, S. (2017). Meant to be Here (1st ed.). New York.

 

 

your walking papers – a short letter of release

Dearest you,

I’ve been meaning to write for quite some time now.  I’m learning so much up here on this mountain.  I don’t think you’d recognize me if you had a conversation with me. 

I’ve been thinking and because I’m choosing to be the light I have to bring to consciousness everything that floats to the surface of my awareness, desiring to be honored, seen and processed, that being said, I’ve been holding this in and that serves no one. 

Image result for goddess release

Ever read Corinthians 1:13?  It’s the one that explains the definition of love.  Love is patient, love is kind, you know the one.  As humans we are perfectly imperfect, we are never going to get ‘there’ but I believe we can strive to be as close as possible.  We can choose to be better than yesterday.  To remove any obstacles to us being the light.  That, I feel is doable, if being OUR best is a priority. 

We all make mistakes on our way down life’s road.   Some more than others, some can admit theirs, some cannot… Who’s to say what is right or wrong.  Who makes a list of their wrongdoings or the wrongdoings of another? Who has the time?  I am choosing not to tally yours.  Trust me, my ego has my back so thoroughly, it knows every slight ever aimed in my direction. My ego can sniff out a genuine slight from a mile away.  I choose not to view life through the lens of ego. Love means I see your good.  Love means I focus on what’s right about you.  The part of you most like our source aka god/dess/universe. 

Kinda hurts that you’ve kept track of everything I’ve done wrong and that’s all you see when you look at me.  Dare I say it?  If a summation of my errors greets your eyes at the mention or sight of me… Yes, walk away.  Please for both of us.  I’m not that person anymore and since I’ve apologized for everything I can recall doing, there is nothing else to be done by dredging up the past.  If it serves you to resent, dislike or hate me, have at it.  I still love you.  We can love each other from afar. 

I’m finished with the past. It’s today forward for me, if you ever choose to join me here in the present, your heart knows where to find me.

In love and light,

Me. 

blurred edges

her hand trailed the ground as she sat, eyes closed, surrendered to gaia.  she let down her guard becoming one with the energy that surged around and through her. 

she had just begun to truly realize the journey on a visceral level, and it was with her true being that she leaned into that which she still didn’t understand but had faith in, and let go.  allowing her edges to blur and fade into that which was bigger than her. 

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she witnessed the decimation of the societal box in her mind’s eye and allowed herself to expand…

past the limits of her human vehicle

past the edges of comfort

there was a blending of her and the other.  a shifting of perception to an omnipresent perspective. 

she was soaring on the wings of spirit.  she forgot to be afraid.

it lasted longer this time than the last. 

she was learning.

she was expanding

it had made those around her uncomfortable.

and still she couldn’t return to mediocrity…

this was it.

the beginning and the end. the alpha and the omega.

the eyes of the goddess within…opened.

13 reasons to watch 13 reasons why

I don’t remember how I came upon it.  It was before the hoopla surrounding it made to me.  I had started it, but stopped.  I think my soul knew that at that moment it was too much. Image result for 13 reasons why hannah baker

What are the chances I’d tune into a show poking its fingers into all the soft spots already exposed by writing my book, “Meant to be Here”?  What are the chances.  I’ve found other movies that have touched my soul like this before.  I think I’m led to them. 

I had stopped. My soul sister, Paula warned me about it, I don’t even think I had told her, I had already started the show. She just knows my history, and warned me.  Of course, that piqued my interest and I went back and started them all over, paying attention now, resisting the urge to tense up.  I relaxed and leaned into it all, It had something to teach me, I was sure of it.

So, who am I?  Just an average woman who is determined to use two years of living in the abyss to help at risk young people.  Why does this show matter? 

Look at what we’re doing.  We’re talking, we’re dialoging. It is bringing up issues that we have surrounding ALL of the topics highlighted in this powerful drama.  There are warnings circulating about it.  Beware if you watch it, etc. etc.  I don’t happen to agree, so here are 13 reasons I believe you MUST watch this show.

  1. If you are a parent and want to understand what really goes on in middle schools (yes it begins in middle schools) and high school. Do you really want to know what your children are up against? AND, if you don’t think this happens in YOUR school.  Watch the show.

  2. If you are contemplating becoming a teacher or social worker, this will give you an idea of how much passion you must have to impact your students. Watch the show.

  3. If you were a bully OR the bullied. I happen to have been both.  No shame or blame, just what was.  Watch the show.

  4. If you know what it’s like to be the outcast watching on the sidelines. Watch the show.

  5. If you were the head cheerleader or the favorite football jock, and want to see how your every action impacted the community, watch the show.

  6. Are you a principal, and what to see what’s going on in YOUR school, watch the show.

  7. Were you raped? Are you a rape counselor? A mentor?  Anyone at all that interacts with school age kids, watch the show.

  8. If you have, for too long, suppressed your own personal horrors down in the core of your being, and you want a catalyst for change to occur, watch the show.

  9. You want an excuse to address sensitive but monumental issues with your children, watch the show.

  10. Want to understand how toxic repressing dark issues can be. Watch the show.

  11. Can you not imagine how teenager ‘shooters’ are created? Watch the show.

  12. If you want to be moved, and inspired to open your mouth. If you too have been raped (maybe numerous times) and never realized that many woman cannot scream no… it’s still considered rape. If you want to impact the world, alchemizing pain into purpose.  If your demographic is ‘at risk’ young people and you want to be there for them.  (I watched the show)

  13. Yes, 12 was all me. I think you ought to check out the show, and open your mouth. Whether you agree, disagree, are the loner, the jock, the freak… no matter YOUR role. see how it integrates, how we with web like intricacy impact everyone else.

We are all connected, we RISE and or FALL together.  Let’s be educated, let’s be privy to what is going on with our children.  It’s the only way to impact change.

“But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain…and an athlete…and a basket case …a princess…and a criminal. Does that answer your question?” – The Breakfast Club