too many selfies

I take selfies.  Lotsa them.  I am fascinated with my face.  How I think ‘I’ look.  Some may say I’m narcissistic, but I disagree.  I believe I am a burgeoning goddess on a discovery mission… my excavation. I think I finally found myself back to wanting to know how ‘I see me’.  I was taught and fully believed that it was external approval and accolades that dictated my worth.  I had 1000% bought into the world telling me who I was, and how far from who I had to be, I was, that I didn’t know who the hell I was anymore.  Ever feel that way?

12 11 shanti

Enter the selfie… I look at my expressions, at the tilt of my head…etc. They help me get to know me.  I think I’m okay looking… (hey I am never gonna bullshit), I know my body is under construction, but I give good face (smiles. Yea I made that up) but by NO stretch of the imagination am I looking at myself thinking oh you, gorgeous bitch.  Well let me not lie (smh…) every now and then, I DO say that.  (this complete honesty shit is killing me lol) 

Anyway, they help me, discover parts of myself I don’t think I really ever bothered to look at and formulate opinions about before.  Kinda fascinating if I do say so myself. 

Basically, I think I’m trying to say <shrugs… there are not exact sciences when one is going by 100% intuition) … fuck what people say or think.  Do YOU, because unless I had been nudged to share the ‘why’ behind my selfies, no-one would have known.  As I wrote this, I just ‘got’ on a higher level another reason we don’t judge… (all the times I have… Jesus)… we really don’t know why people do the shit they do.  Can’t really judge anything unless we have the entire blueprint… the entire, interlocking, intricate web… yea, and I’m not omnipotent, so I can’t judge nary a human being.

Okay, done now… gonna take a selfie… 

<laughs> 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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jus sayin…

Sick to my stomach at 3am, I briefly reviewed some of the more challenging highlights of the last almost month of life so far offa the island.  I vented, cried, and let the shit I couldn’t control go.  Kept myself in line with source, in the ‘vortex’.  By the way,  when I say sick to my stomach, I do mean literally… prolly purging all the bullshit out, cuz it ALL has to come out in order to heal… at least for me it did.   I had conformed in so many ways for so long, it almost killed me.  Legit, almost killed me.  But, I had choices, and even though it was excruciating to change EACH habit, one step at a time, constantly and consistently, I did it.  I really did  (my ego just bitchslapped me and told me to erase that… pffft… ) Because for me facing death… tiptoeing toward the veil, was the darkest I’ve ever been, and it was pretty dark… but I think when we accept and embrace our darkness, we ‘free’ up lights equal, or I find in most cases more.  The light that comes in as a result of surrendering (constantly) to darkness’s life contributions … it’s HUGE.  I mean my ass is getting addicted to the feeling of being in the flow. 

 

I wanted to die.  I mean really wanted to die.  For two fucking years, I woke up everyday with a feeling of dread in my stomach.  Plotting ways every day to summon the courage to DIE.  I don’t know how to explain to people who thought I was faking that I was drowning in quicksand, I could not breathe.  I had NEVER wanted to die before in my life. That shocked the shit out of me. 

It took 3 plane tickets and 2 suicide attempts to accept my dad’s invitation to heal on Puerto Rico.  I never knew darkness like that existed and now I respect the fuck out it.  I am humbled by what I learned.  I am forever shaken and stirred…  

I was on 11 medications when I went to Puerto Rico… Lithium, abilify, paxil, Neurontin, (more but to be honest I can’t remember, I’ve downloaded medication list from the pharmacies) detoxed, implemented all these batshit sounding tools, and found out that you can actually retrain the synapses in your brain… you can.  IT worked.. anyway fast forwarding it’s a LONG story and I share it constantly (again NOT my idea)  I’ve been offa this mountain for almost a month and holy fuckola it was an assault on my senses …. But .. this is the gift.. which of course I didn’t even fully get until I’m writing this shit.. the universe fucking rocks.. anyway… six classes from graduation, book, “meant to be here” almost completed, about to get really healthy.. then.. Maria hit.. spent 50 days there in the aftermath came to Mass for the first time since 6 months after my last hospitalization.. whew! whoa!  but one of the gifts.. are.. 

The tools really work.  Off the mountain, away from my respite/healing in Aibonito, Puerto Rico, they still work.  Cuz, holy shit the crap that’s been trying to fuck with my vibe… lmao, but I worked the tools and

They

Work.  My stint in hell is really over!! I manning my choices fo sho!  

Why am I posting these pics?  with the makeup mug?? Cuz when I woulda stayed in bed and nursed my sour stomach, I got up, but music and a coupla Abraham Hicks vids on did my make up (simply cuz it brings me joy… creative and all that shit) and PROCESSED. I chose to embrace the solution instead of marinating in the problem.  The universe said write, I wrote and I discovered the huge blessing in it all.

These “cheesy’ ass tools work… for me anyway, but I had to destroy the box first and embrace possibilities outside the realm of my own ‘reality’ ….

jus sayin… 

 

processing

So, yes, I read your message.  It has been digesting since then.  I read it at around 3am in the morning, approx. a week after I stepped off the plane.  At first, I was just shocked that you would send that even though I was fresh from the front lines of my life.  I felt it was very inconsiderate… but… shrugs, okay.

Because…

Almost everyone in this world wants to change someone, and we all deserve to be able to be ourselves, and you apparently thought I was trying to change you, and this letter made me feel you were trying to do the same, so I freed us both.  No, I have not had your life experiences, nor have you had mine.  I’m not into competitions, no pissing contests here.  I am an expert on just one thing.  Me. I share my journey cuz I’m nudged to do so. If it helps anyone… I’m blessed and if it does not, then they are free to sashay to the exit sign. 

I treat others the way I want to be treated.  If I did anything to offend you, I really would have loved to know… but, I cannot have more sympathy for you.  I won’t climb down into the abyss with you.  I’ll stay where I’ve had to claw my way too, and hold out my hand.  I’m not going to see you as a victim, I see you now, then and forever as a conqueror.  We all are.  We all have the fortitude and tenacity to choose better, but that’s scary, and I realize that.  I realize that people have to be ready to confront their demons, and we cannot bully people to be that which we feel they should be.  I get that. 

So, I didn’t walk away because you asked me to be more compassionate towards your life/journey, but because when you that that you weren’t being compassionate to what I had just gone through… and that I just didn’t understand.  To me that’s like asking a person not to steal when you yourself in that moment are stealing… wtf???Image result for choose fear or love

I just wrote that letter.  Yea, that really happened and yea, that’s the way I was feeling about it.  But, as I was writing it, I realized if the person didn’t get ‘it’, then they still wouldn’t get it… so taking the next step and sending it would serve darkness and not light.  I realized that it would be my ego’s chess to further this.  It didn’t feel right.  It didn’t make my soul shine, and that, for me now is enough to not do it. 

I’ve always had crazy ass thoughts, and mostly never acted on any of them, but for the last 15 months approx. I’ve been practicing mindfulness.  Writing that letter, freeing those toxins, was healthy, I feel it absolutely was, but to send it would be sending energy to the past.  I’d rather send my energy to the reality I’m choosing to create.   

That is absolutely a gift of mindfulness.  I would never have taken the time to think through all of that instead of acting immediately.  Random bursts of emotionally provoked crazy choices have dotted my life for at least 3 consecutive decades… it is soul stirring to know that these tools actually do work, and only have to be learned and implemented.  Perhaps, I ought not to say ‘only’ because truth be told, determination must be utilized, but it is oh so worth it. 

As for me, I’d rather ‘love and lift’, in the book, “The Universe has your Back”, Bernstein writes that we ought to stop, relax, and ask, ‘fear or love’, is the choice we’re about to make born of fear or born of love.  I couldn’t see that sending that letter had pure and loving intentions, smelled like a lil bit o’ fear to me, so yea… not sending it. 

Win! 

Image result for choose fear or love

exploring the edges…

Image result for outside the comfort zone

 

wanting to lighten the load
anticipating the clues, unfolding
this unfamiliar road is too a part of me
overgrown beautiful chaos as far as the eyes can … 
see
me, and know that I’m rising
you saw me lying on the ground
thought I’d surrendered every round
just had to catch my breath and gather
my fortitude to face the nasty weather
of exploring the strange new edges
outside the comfortable stagnant recesses 
of my mind… 
and still I find… 
that I choose 
to…
abandon the comfort
of my old friend fear
purging the darkness
that lay stagnant under there… 
emptiness reaches its fingers
into the recesses of my soul
shivering from the unknown
no heed paid to the cold 
of traveling onto roads 
where I don’t know the way
but finally, I realize that on my road
less traveled, it’s my road to pave.

puerto rico y yo se levanta!!

I’m pretty sure there are people that may be undaunted by the prospect of being on top of a mountain with no light, water or communication but I have never been one of them.  I’d already been ignoring dancing shadows on walls for a lifetime.  My imagination has always been on the overactive side, not to mention, I had somewhat recently gone through a bout of suicidal depression, in and out of psych hospital, trapped in the abyss.  I did however manage to drag my carcass from the ninth circle of hell, detoxing myself from 10 psychotropic medications, and spent a year med, anxiety and depression free. I was doing so well, six classes from graduation with my bachelors in psychology with a concentration in children and adolescents, I was 85% done with my book about the two years I felt, spent, as Persephone, sacrificed to Hades…

then Maria hit, and while I had learned and implemented many tools over the 15 months I had spent in Aibonito, Puerto Rico, this seemed to be the final exam type of shit.  How do I explain for that for this ex part time resident of psych hospitals… surviving an experience of this nature is/was huge and shocking for me.  I guess it’s like the hiccups, once you do it for a few, your body adjusts to it.  Ever got over the hiccups, to find yourself so expecting the next hiccup… so much so you almost make yourself hiccup again?? I’d reacted to life with nothing but fear, panic and trepidation for so long, it stunned ME… NOT to react like that.

I turned 50 this year, had my eldest baby surprise me in Puerto Rico with my granddaughter, (best birthday surprise of my entire life… legit ENTIRE life)… didn’t even have time to miss them before I contracted whatever plague my granddaughter, like all children, stored, hidden under the layers of cute smiles and snarky toddler comebacks distracting me from the millions of germs blanketing themselves … okay, maybe I still feel strongly about being sick for a week after my birthday… I digress, sick for a week, Irma hit, got sick again but now from the barometric pressure surges… was better for TWO days, then Maria hit.  I mean really WTF. 

After three days of sitting there STUNNED AF, I got out my notebook and started to journal/document this crazy shit.  On around day four or five, I got the nudge to share it, and to be honest, I was horrified.  Share everything?  Even the moment where I sobbed in the dark on top of that mountain by myself… yea share everything… so I did… I’d really rather write about angels and demons, shit like that but…

I do what I’m told…

But… yea I feel like Puerto Rico, like the isla de mi encanta herself… It’s been a little bit <2 weeks for me>, so ummm they’re(she/we are)fine…

Ummmm, no, we are not.

No Puerto Rico is NOT fine.  One of my friends hit me up the night before last, from Aibonito Puerto Rico, to check on me.  She STILL has no water and she CHECKED on me.  Yea, maybe it’s hard to understand how I feel about leaving the island that gifted me it’s mystical, healing properties as I healed myself after wanting to legitimately and CONSTANTLY wanting to die for two years.

Since childhood, I always knew that island was magical.  I always knew it soothed me when I visited.  Never understood my tears, as I flew back into the mainland… never understood it until I chose to live again on that island.   

And now, now I’m back, back to civilization, back to the world that helped to break me, but I’m back and I’m calm, faithful, legit overcome with pure gratitude, and my heart is 1000% surrendered to be an instrument of love no matter what…

So… yea, I get if others may not understand why I’m stunned by all of it… shocked that I left here 15 months ago on 11 psych meds, with cystic acne covering my face, a slight green tinge apparent on my face.  I couldn’t be in a room in the dark, and barely slept despite the pharmaceutical cocktail I was imbibing daily. I’m shocked that I learned to re-parent myself… and reactivated my intuition.

Yea… yadda yadda yadda… then I survived Maria and survived it medication, anxiety and depression free.

My spirit is soaring as I am exuding gratitude from every fucking pore.  I can’t believe I did it, and while I have MUCH to learn and surrender to, I am so much further than I was.  I guess that’s the gift of such a concentrated life lesson… is that you grow ‘that’ much.

So, yea… I’m here, and I’m pretty quiet cuz much like my fucking gorgeous, devastated island… we’re on the rise… we are processing… surrendering… gathering force… cuz we’re coming back with a seriously extra fucking UMPTH!!!

Yea I’m fucking grateful, and I’m not dimming my light for nothing, and neither will Puerto Rico. 

PUERTO RICO SE LEVANTA!   

in case you do wanna know what it was like:

the first three pics were taken 8/31/17 the day i landed in puerto rico… the last one was today 11/16/17 no filters

 

 

re-acclimating

It’s been a week and 2 days since I arrived on the mainland from Puerto Rico. I haven’t forced myself to do anything, except meditate and my lil regular yoga sequence. I am totally aware that I need to process the crazy ass events of the last few months. My cousin and one of my best friends died, 50th birthday with a surprise visit from loved ones, got sick for the first time in three years, Irma hit, got sick again – barometric pressure related, then Maria hit with the subsequent 50 days of hard core survival ‘class’. It’s been intense. I am not however bitching or bemoaning it, au contraire’ it seems like quite the blessing. It would have taken me 10 – 20 years to amass this level or contraction/expansion without such huge events.

 

picture from the book – Maria overturns the Mack truc

It’s definitely an adjustment, my skin feels like miles of scorched Sahara Desert, it had grown very accustomed to the hot moisture of the tropics. Also used to the high elevation of Aibonito, Puerto Rico, that too was/is an adjustment. I am adjusting to being around people again, it was a very quiet, predominately isolated experience on the mountain, and I’m missing school, due to post Maria circumstances, I missed 2 terms and restart on 1/8/18. I am grateful to have been able to hit up my loved ones and catch up with the world.

My ego tried to derail me a few times, as it always does when I’m going through the preliminary contractions of my newest expansion, and as is my default now, I gave my darkness love and light, keeping it moving. Surrender has been one of the most important lessons that was a bonus with the purchase of experiencing Maria and her aftermath.

I think we do ourselves a disservice when we try to rush through some of the experiences that dot and color our lives. I believe we grow faster and with less contractions when we give the darkness the floor for a moment, to be heard, and felt, respected, honored… all aspects of us contribute to the wholeness of our life experience.
My heart is with YOU, for whatever YOU are going through, for whatever contraction is squeezing the superfluous off you, in order to birth a higher expression of you… yea it pinches a bit, but know that it will pass, it always does, we never stay immersed in one less, it’s fluid, cyclical until we digest the lesson and move on.
Yea… being gentle with myself, are you???

This is my very raw, totally unedited journal of the Maria experience. It really wasn’t my idea to share it… just following divine orders <shrugs> who am I to question it?? ½ of the proceeds are being donated to help the children of Puerto Rico. Yes, I will provide documentation of that.

https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Maria-Personal-Journey-Transfiguration-ebook/dp/B077BCYLMW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1511038985&sr=8-1&keywords=surviving+maria

i belong to me!

 

I went through some shit. 

Don’t we all? 

It is important that we process and digest these powerful disruptions, taking as long as we need too. “Get over it” is the most harmful thing (in my opinion) we can say to ourselves and/or each other.

Last night, in bed reading, “Braving the Wilderness” by Brene Brown,I was in a state of incredulousness reading each word, my soul nodding in agreement.  Yes, yes, my spirit exclaimed repeatedly as I noticed my pillow was wet from tears that I hadn’t even noticed leaking from my eyes.  Am I crying?

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are” (Brown PhD, LMSW, 2017).

Image result for returning to the light

I had tried ‘belonging’ to everyone and everywhere before I had my two-year stint in the darkness, where I had been suicidally depressed, went through a few foiled suicide attempts, approx. 7-9 hospitalizations then emerging on the other side of hell sans decades of bullshit facades, clutching the gifts I had collected in the abyss, firmly, not yet understanding the extraordinary bonuses I had collected in that dark night of the soul.

After reemerging, things were different, I fully sensed bullshit. Had my intuition back, decades of societal crap were gone.  I was buffeted clean, and raw from the abrasions but aware, awake, and painfully exposed.  I had decisions to make.  Continue trying to fit in and risk having it happen again, or be true to myself and risk…

Being alone.

*sighs*, it was a scary no brainer, one ripe with emotion and trepidation, but I embarked on one of the most courageous and awakening journeys of my life that required writing a letter of ‘I love you, but this isn’t working out, let me know if you ever want to work on us, together and I’ll be there’ letters to more people than I anticipated.  The sound of crickets was predominately the reply I received.  I had to learn to surrender and accept the pain.  

I moved on.

It hurt, it did, but wasn’t I worth REAL and POWERFUL interactions that inspired my greatness?

My life became a tribute to the power of extreme quality over quantity.  The universe brought it with a level of spiritual siblings, of an ilk I hadn’t known existed. 

Damn.

I hadn’t ever imagined as magnificently as divine has provided.

I then had to actively create new behaviors, rewiring the synaptic pathways in my brain.  Mothering my inner child and becoming my own best advocate and best friend, I found that no less will do now.  My bar has been raised.

“Once we belong thoroughly to ourselves and believe thoroughly in ourselves, true belonging is ours” (Brown PhD, LMSW, 2017).

I belong to ME now, and I believe in myself and universe more than I ever have, since maybe the age of 3-4.

“Braving the wilderness” is soul substantiating and authenticating.  When you read it, remember I said that it’s like coming home to what your soul already knew but didn’t know it knew. 

I’m not even done with it yet, still have about 1/3 left. 

But.

I surrender to be disrupted and shifted.  I embrace the level-ups that are on their way.  To expand we must contract, and to be honest contractions can hurt like a bitch, BUT.

I am NOW leaving a legacy of hope, faith, determination, inclusion, self-respect, kindness, education, determination, resilience, and tenacity for my kids and grandpeeps. 

Yea, we do rise together. 

I’m sure there will be more about this.

Just wow.

Read

The

Book!

Reference:

Brown PhD, LMSW, B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness (1st ed.). Random House.

How the two years in hell began: https://tainamystique.wordpress.com/2016/10/20/meant-to-be-here-the-beginning/