I’m pretty sure there are people that may be undaunted by the prospect of being on top of a mountain with no light, water or communication but I have never been one of them. I’d already been ignoring dancing shadows on walls for a lifetime. My imagination has always been on the overactive side, not to mention, I had somewhat recently gone through a bout of suicidal depression, in and out of psych hospital, trapped in the abyss. I did however manage to drag my carcass from the ninth circle of hell, detoxing myself from 10 psychotropic medications, and spent a year med, anxiety and depression free. I was doing so well, six classes from graduation with my bachelors in psychology with a concentration in children and adolescents, I was 85% done with my book about the two years I felt, spent, as Persephone, sacrificed to Hades…
then Maria hit, and while I had learned and implemented many tools over the 15 months I had spent in Aibonito, Puerto Rico, this seemed to be the final exam type of shit. How do I explain for that for this ex part time resident of psych hospitals… surviving an experience of this nature is/was huge and shocking for me. I guess it’s like the hiccups, once you do it for a few, your body adjusts to it. Ever got over the hiccups, to find yourself so expecting the next hiccup… so much so you almost make yourself hiccup again?? I’d reacted to life with nothing but fear, panic and trepidation for so long, it stunned ME… NOT to react like that.
I turned 50 this year, had my eldest baby surprise me in Puerto Rico with my granddaughter, (best birthday surprise of my entire life… legit ENTIRE life)… didn’t even have time to miss them before I contracted whatever plague my granddaughter, like all children, stored, hidden under the layers of cute smiles and snarky toddler comebacks distracting me from the millions of germs blanketing themselves … okay, maybe I still feel strongly about being sick for a week after my birthday… I digress, sick for a week, Irma hit, got sick again but now from the barometric pressure surges… was better for TWO days, then Maria hit. I mean really WTF.
After three days of sitting there STUNNED AF, I got out my notebook and started to journal/document this crazy shit. On around day four or five, I got the nudge to share it, and to be honest, I was horrified. Share everything? Even the moment where I sobbed in the dark on top of that mountain by myself… yea share everything… so I did… I’d really rather write about angels and demons, shit like that but…
I do what I’m told…
But… yea I feel like Puerto Rico, like the isla de mi encanta herself… It’s been a little bit <2 weeks for me>, so ummm they’re(she/we are)fine…
Ummmm, no, we are not.
No Puerto Rico is NOT fine. One of my friends hit me up the night before last, from Aibonito Puerto Rico, to check on me. She STILL has no water and she CHECKED on me. Yea, maybe it’s hard to understand how I feel about leaving the island that gifted me it’s mystical, healing properties as I healed myself after wanting to legitimately and CONSTANTLY wanting to die for two years.
Since childhood, I always knew that island was magical. I always knew it soothed me when I visited. Never understood my tears, as I flew back into the mainland… never understood it until I chose to live again on that island.
And now, now I’m back, back to civilization, back to the world that helped to break me, but I’m back and I’m calm, faithful, legit overcome with pure gratitude, and my heart is 1000% surrendered to be an instrument of love no matter what…
So… yea, I get if others may not understand why I’m stunned by all of it… shocked that I left here 15 months ago on 11 psych meds, with cystic acne covering my face, a slight green tinge apparent on my face. I couldn’t be in a room in the dark, and barely slept despite the pharmaceutical cocktail I was imbibing daily. I’m shocked that I learned to re-parent myself… and reactivated my intuition.
Yea… yadda yadda yadda… then I survived Maria and survived it medication, anxiety and depression free.
My spirit is soaring as I am exuding gratitude from every fucking pore. I can’t believe I did it, and while I have MUCH to learn and surrender to, I am so much further than I was. I guess that’s the gift of such a concentrated life lesson… is that you grow ‘that’ much.
So, yea… I’m here, and I’m pretty quiet cuz much like my fucking gorgeous, devastated island… we’re on the rise… we are processing… surrendering… gathering force… cuz we’re coming back with a seriously extra fucking UMPTH!!!
Yea I’m fucking grateful, and I’m not dimming my light for nothing, and neither will Puerto Rico.
PUERTO RICO SE LEVANTA!
in case you do wanna know what it was like:
the first three pics were taken 8/31/17 the day i landed in puerto rico… the last one was today 11/16/17 no filters