it’s plain to see, universe was not yet done with me i begged, pleaded, and often cajoled, to no avail laying in the shadows, my heart splayed and impaled on the fears that rose in my throat to squeeze and to choke me had handed in my life card, let me go back, oh god, please revoke me twas naught but the ultimate of my soul’s contractions, preceding my bid in the underworld, done now, I’m limping, cut and bleeding all the priceless gifts and level ups, from my oft repressed darkness tightly gripped in my fisted hand, stumbling, I made it slowly past this, this sign, that harbingered my tango danced in the infinite dark a sign meant to eradicate hope, purporting desperation, so stark my eyes took it in, once more now from the winner’s side, a shero’s lane abandon hope, all ye who enter here, no more, I surrendered to residual pain I focused on the burning, and tears escaping, I was blinded by the dazzling light my mind, heart and eyes had adjusted to the darkest, the bleakest hopeless night but now… tilting my face upward, toward the warm rays of the magnificent sun I felt it in my soul, now, this leg of the journey was over, it was done I had made it, I had survived it, a bit wounded, yes, but alive now all that was left was to embrace self-love, forgiveness and to thrive there was no more hate, no more pointing fingers at others, with blame no more hiding from authenticity, no more guilt and no more shame a rediscovering, ground zero, a blank slate, were waiting for me I now had to discover, how to return to me, audacious and free when you’ve owned everything, and seen into the murky depths there’s nothing left to fear, grab your courage and take the steps every reason for me to shine my light as far as I can reach I will be your friend, sister, lover, to shine forth mayhaps to teach the pathways through the darkness that I marked now and saved so I can remember the blessings in the abyss for the rest of my days.
Dad and I have designated Sunday as Dad/Daughter go out to a lovely dinner together evening. We’ve only had one so far, and I was looking forward to today. M-S I work out, do homework, help if he needs it. M-S I’m an overachiever, well I WILL be, asa I make of this a habit. I’m my dads son on the weekdays, I don’t wear makeup, what for?? I’m working out, reading and writing, and even tho this part of Puerto Rico does have a winter, it’s only cool at night, so my hair stays up. I’ve been so grateful that this apt doesn’t have any mirrors. I see my reflection only in video calls with my kids and grandpeps, but they love me, so what.
Wait, did I just say that. They love me, so what, well don’t I love me.. wow.. revealing. Deal with that another time, so anyway I got ready, looking cute. Was ready for a deep convo, over a magnificent dinner. The pager sounded, I picked up the phone to my dad telling me his stomach is sick, raincheck. I was like, damn now, after my makeup is done?? I asked if there was anything I could do, or bring him and I headed out to town to get dinner. The thunderstorm had passed but left its mark on the quiet town of Aibonito. Slick streets with barely any traffic greeted me as I wound around the tight mountain roads towards the middle of town.
I passed the place we normally eat since my dad got take out there last night and well, feels like shit, so I kept going and saw this pizza joint my mom and I had gone too when she was here. I don’t frequent it, kinda pricey but … at least I won’t get ptomaine. As I drove past, I saw about 15 bikers and a group of men in front of the entrance. My stomach per usual, clenched and I thought about heading to the food poisoning place to avoid the discomfort. NO I thought, fuck that, face the fear. DO NO FEED THE FEARS!!!!! I parked, and crossed the uphill street and around a few cars, walking into the restaurant. I was holding my courage in my heart and hand like a amulet, I knew universe was with me as I walked past a shitload of people and grabbed a menu from the counter. Thinking all the while, how the fuck am I going to do this. I DO NOT READ SPANISH bwahh haaa haaaa
I studied the menu emitting confidence (I hope), looked up at the counter to see the young man that served my mom and I. HE SPEAKS ENGLISH. Seeing me, the light of recognition crossed his eyes and I smiled HUGELY. As I waited for my food, I prayed to Universe, ‘help me see everything through the eyes of love’. Since I have no phone (broke about 2 weeks after I got here, have not felt overly compelled to get a new one) I defaulted into observation mode. Saw families interacting, had an opportunity to smile at people since I wasn’t hiding in my mobile device. Wow, remember when we smiled at people??? Various people smiled back and murmured toward me. Had no idea what they were saying, but I knew in what spirit they were saying it.
There’s a reason I have those fears, my ego is protecting me. Thank you ego, you are no longer needed, Universe and I GOT THIS SHIT. We get to choose, free will and all that… had no idea it entailed this much.
Anyway, I’m going to go eat my hard-earned dinner. I like to write on a empty stomach (who’da thunked it), I can feel Universe better.